Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Middle of the Life Crisis

I has received communication from Laura:

Dear PDP,
Am I having a midlife crisis? I suddenly have the overwhelming urge to find a gentleman friend and buy a sports car and acquire material goods, and have recently dyed my hair a colour that's about 13 years out of context. 

Confused and concerned of Leamington

Welcome Laura! Firstly, I is very much doubting you is having a middle of the life crisis because you isn't in the middle of your life. You can take that one of two ways - you could think, yes he is quite right, I is going to be living much longer than 60. OR... you could think - does he know sumfing I don't? Am I near the end already?!

But anyway, let us not be dwelling!

Ah, Laura, I know what you is meaning though. I has been through a phase myself quite similar to this: chasing after completely unsuitable birds, thinking I look good in a hotdog outfit... what a dog dressed as puppy moment dat was.

But do you know what I say Laura? I say "mid-life crises? schmid-smife smises more like!" or sometimes I say "mid-life crises? mid-life realisation dat we can do whatever we like and it isn't hurting nopuggy and hurray for fast cars and hair dye and ill advised tattoos!"

I think you is perhaps getting the urge to be making a nest with a special gentleman caller and you is needing the fast car to quickly deliver all your material goods back to the nest for the feathering procedure. I cannot explain the hair dye.

I know dat you will get whatever it is your heart is desiring lovely Laura and please to be inviting me round to your nest once it is ready, for I would like to christen it with my holy dog water.

Please to be letting me know how you is getting along and fank you for mailing, it was Pug de Probleme.

PDP to the rescue!

Today we is hearing from Meggy:

Dear PdP

Life is inherently unfair is it not? And yet we continue to be disappointed when things don't work out.

How does one maintain a strong self-esteem in the face of set-backs?

Perhaps it is better to be a realist/pessimist

From The Perpetual-Worrier General

Welcome back Meggy! Oh dear, I is sensing you is not a happy puggy at the moment. Sometimes, when fings is not working out, we is thinking "oh my DOG everyfing in the WHOLE WORLD is rubbish and my life is poop and not even a mountain of biskwits would make me feel better!"

But Meggy, let us reflect for a while. Life is like a ball of wool Meggy. The needles are our inner tools, the wool is the yarn we are dealt with and the scarf is what we choose to make of that yarn. I fink it is depending on our own personal outlooks but some peoples is handed terrible yarn Meggy and yet they still manage to create a beautiful garment. Other peoples is handed the most sumptuous yarn and yet they get it all tangled up and it ends up full of dropped stitches and, quite frankly, they have the tension all wrong - what were they thinking?!

The fing with a set-back Meggy is that you can eivver turn it into a big hole in the scarf of your life, or you can just knit that little bit firmer and make your scarf even stronger. Just fink - if we never ever had anyfing go wrong then we would never know what true happiness feels like. We would take it for granted, just like air and a solid internet connection and whatnot.

And as for being a pessimist Meggy... well, I fink it would be very sad to be going frew life expecting the worst of all situations. I has met many people like dis and they make me sad in my insides. Meggy - I go into every single situation in my life wiv the same thought: "WILL THERE BE A BISKWIT?!" and although most of the time there isn't I don't let that chip away at my inner voice that is saying - "don't worry Alfie, one day there WILL be a biskwit!". And do you know what? There ALWAYS is a biskwit eventually Meggy! And how much nicer it is to be ever hopeful for that moment of elation than to go frew my life telling myself no biskwit will ever come.

Here is proof:

There will be no biskwit here.
There will be no biskwit here either. Life sucks.
(on finding a biskwit)
Oh, there's a biskwit. Pff. That never happens to me. I will eat my biskwit whilst being resentful of the fact that I don't normally find a biskwit and the biskwit will taste rubbish.

Is there a biskwit?? No, oh well, next time!
Is there a biskwit now?? No? That's OK! There'll be one soon!
(on finding a biskwit)

I hope this has helped you on the journey of your scarf knitting Meggy and please to be letting me know how you is getting along. Fank you for mailing, it was Pug de Probleme.

Hot Debwa

Sticky, sweaty Debwa has sent me a message:

Dear PDP, 

I'm afflicted by this weather for many reasons. Although it is pleasurable sometimes, it makes me very sad when I can't breathe at night and I get sweaty after walking half a mile. I also have an urge to punch people when they mention the temperature every five seconds. And then I realise I DO THAT TOO. So, what's the answer, pug? How do I cool down?

Yours stickily
Deborah in York

Welcome back Debwa! I is very sorry to be so late in replying. I know you isn't liking the mentioning of the heat, but I fink my little claws would have been slipping all over my laptop yesterday if I has attempted to respond.

Now, Debwa, are you sure it's just the mentioning of the heat that is making you want to punch people?

It is true, human beans is most definitely enjoying the communal banter about da wevver in this country. "Ooh, is we ever going to have anyfing other than rain I ask you? It's like living in a bleedin monsoon round ere!" then 2 weeks later "Oh my DOG! I wish it would rain, it is too bleedin ot innit! How is we meant to cope? Me poor petunias is all droopy."

I remember, when I was a pup, that we was all just getting on with it. The wevver just happened and you couldn't be looking it up on the t'internet about how hot it will be on Friday in Dunfermline at 5.23pm. If you wanted to know, you just waited until that time and took a gander out the window.

One day, Debwa, we will be having sea esthers, like they has in Spain. And then we can hide in our air conditioned houses and avoid other people from 12-4 (The Punching Hours).

Until then I is suggesting a pack of wet wipes for your sticky bits. Oh, and a t-shirt that says Hot and Punchy.

I hope this is helping and please to be letting me know how you i getting along. Fank you for mailing, it was Pug de Probleme.

Thursday, 9 May 2013

What's it all about Alfie?

Hi! My name is Alfie Puglesworth and I is a Life Coach/Agony Pug. Try me wiv your troubles friends cos, like, I know shit.

Hey, if you want you can follow me on facebook and twitter too.